Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
