every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize