He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I didn't notice because vodka
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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