I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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