At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
