Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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