True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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