I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
