Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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