I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Randomize
