Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
