So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
No I am not eating basil off your cock
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize