PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
