sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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