My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
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