I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
