Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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