Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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