Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
