Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I'm bleeding and have questions
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize