I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
