That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
