Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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