Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
