i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize