Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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