Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Randomize
