he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
