anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
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