it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
