dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
