Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
