I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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