winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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