I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
