would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
