If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
