Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Randomize
