Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
