i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
