And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
