You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
