wrigley field is MILF paradise
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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