I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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