her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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