I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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