do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
