Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
i came on her dog
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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