dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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