At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
