toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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