There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
