I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
