Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
