I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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