I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
