Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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