She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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