Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
