I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
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