FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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