So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
