i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
