I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
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